


Welcome to Hellmouth redux

by Pandora (Heather)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-01-12
Updated: 2001-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-08 01:27:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather/pseuds/Pandora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's crack, okay? It's a crack fic, it was never meant to be anything BUT a crack fic, and....well, eight years later, it's an embarrassing crack ific. I'm owning my shame by linking to it.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Welcome to Hellmouth redux

**Author's Note:**

> It's crack, okay? It's a crack fic, it was never meant to be anything BUT a crack fic, and....well, eight years later, it's an embarrassing crack ific. I'm owning my shame by linking to it.

Sunnydale, 1997

"Now, Anya, I want you to promise me--no disasters." Joyce Emerson scolded.

Anya rolled her eyes, but slammed the car door instead of answering Joyce's question.

She walked around the school grounds, looking around. Sunnydale High. Well, the place had possibilities.

And no vampires, she thought to herself.

She adjusted her backpack on her shoulders and kept her eyes down before walking...straight into a broad, rock-hard chest.

"Oof! Watch where you're going! You made me have a bump!" She scolded, rubbing her head.

A dark, brooding face stared down at her. "Sorry."

She looked up at him admiringly. "Well, you're large and glowery."

He looked faintly amused. "Thanks...I think."

She shrugged. "Do you know where the science lab is?"

He pointed. "That way." He'd better remember to bring this one to Giles. Already, he could tell she was...different.

"Thanks. It was nice meeting you..." She trailed off, as if she were trying to remember his name.

"Angel." He offered her his hand. She shook it.

"I'm Anya. Well, it was nice meeting you, and now I have science. They're going to make me poke dead things with scalpels to find out why they work." She told him.

Angel barely supressed a laugh. "See you later." With any luck. "Hey, if you ever want to hang out, or anything..." So I can get you to Giles, he thought determinedly.

"No thanks." She called over her shoulder, walking away.

He noticed something she dropped and picked it up without thinking. "Hey, you dropped your..." His eyes widened as he finally realized what he was holding. "...stake?"

She kept on walking, now at a seemingly quicker pace.

Angel nodded. He was *definitely* bringing her to Giles!

****

Anya walked through the cafeteria, wondering how on earth she'd come to this. Already, she'd wound up on her teachers' hit lists, Principal Flutie's watchful eye, and so far, all of the kids thought she was weird. Honestly! Burn down one school gym, and you're branded for life!

She paid for her lunch, and looked for a place to sit in the cafeteria. Principal Flutie scrutinized her from one corner of the room, glaring hatefully as if she would burn down the cafeteria with hidden laser beams in her backpack if he took his eyes off her for one second.

"Hey! Anya! Over here!" She looked over to the source of the voice, and saw that Angel kid from earlier, waving at her and patting the seat beside him.

She shrugged. Principal Flutie shot a hard stare at her. She stuck her tongue out at him before she sat beside Angel.

"This is my girlfriend, Buffy," He said, gesturing to a shy, bespectaled blond across the table.

"Hi." She said, holding her hand out for Anya to shake.

"Buff, this is Anya." Angel introduced.

Anya frowned. "You don't look like you need glasses."

"I don't...some weird person in a dream told me I should wear them, so I'd look more like a shy, brainy girl." Buffy explained.

Anya shrugged. "Okay."

"Hey, guys." A brunette sat down beside them, sitting her tray on the table.

"Who are you?" Anya asked.

The girl scoffed. "And they say *I'm* low on tact?"

Buffy and Angel rolled their eyes in unison.

"This is Cordelia." Angel said. "Cordy, Anya, Anya, Cordy."

"Hi." Cordy muttered, sipping her apple juice.

"How come you don't eat?" Anya asked, noticing Angel's untouched tray.

"'Cause he's a--" Cordy started to say before Buffy clamped a hand over her mouth.

"On a diet." Buffy finished for her.

Anya looked at them, then shrugged. Hey, if she was the Slayer, they could be weird. It was all fine with her.

"So, wanna go meet our librarian friend, Giles?" Cordy asked.

Angel and Buffy shot her dirty looks.

"What?! Like it gets easier than that!" Cordelia cried defensively.

Anya shrugged. "Sure. Adult-type people tend to not like me, though."

"Why?" Buffy asked. Sure, Anya was a little tactless and off-kilter, but she was nice enough.

"I think the whole burning down a gym full of vampires tends to color their outlook on you." Anya explained.

Buffy and Angel both jumped, visibly startled.

"You know about vampires?" Buffy hissed.

"Sure. I used to be the Slayer, but my mom brought me here, so I'm not any more." Anya told them nonchalantly.

Cordelia scoffed. "Hey, you're in Sunnydale, where we have our own private Hellmouth. We could use a Slayer."

"Oh." Anya replied.

Buffy and Angel both gawked at the twosome before they stood up and each took one of Anya's arms, taking her out of the cafeteria and into the hallway to go to the library.

"Hey! I haven't finished the food!" She protested, gazing back longingly at her twinkies.

Buffy and Angel dragged her down the hall and into the library.

Cordelia looked around, making sure they were gone, then smiled happily. "Hey, the calories don't count if it's off someone else's plate," she reminded herself before she snitched Angel's chocolate chip cookies.

***

Giles pinched the bridge of his nose. "Now, you're *certain* you're the Slayer?"

"I told you now; three times." Anya reminded him.

"I understand, but I just sort of...well, I rather thought you'd be...somewhat...different." Giles tried to explain.

Anya shrugged. "Sorry."

"So she's the new Slayer. She fights the vampires, the demons, the forces of darkness, and we can all go back to class now, right?" Cordelia asked, although she was in no hurry to go back to class. She'd just finished painting all the toenails on her right foot a really pretty shade of blue and stuck cute little stickers on them, it'd be nice to be able to do the rest of them to match.

Angel scowled. "Do you think maybe the Powers made a mistake...or..."

"No, no, I don't think so; so far, it would appear that Anya's the, er, Slayer." Giles chewed on the ear piece of his glasses before he scrutinized her.

Anya fidgeted uncomfortably. "Can I go now? For a Watcher, you're old and creepy."

Buffy and Angel each stifled laughs.

Giles shot them a withering glare before clearing his throat. "Ahem. Yes. But be sure to do a patrol tonight and to report to me tomorrow for training, would you?"

Anya picked up her backpack. "I guess so."

"Thank you." Giles said.

"So...wanna go Bronzing tonight?" Buffy asked, putting her glasses back in her backpack, deciding that she could give up the brainy pretense and just be herself, no matter what that dream weirdo person said.

"Aren't I supposed to patrol?" Anya asked.

"Yes." Angel said firmly, ignoring his small girlfriend's pout.

"Wow...for a vampire, you're really determined to have me kick demon ass." Anya murmured, impressed.

Angel didn't deign to answer before Buffy wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Please?" She asked in her best "I'm-so-cute-you-can-deny-me-nothing" voice.

Angel groaned. She was always so *cute* when she did that, he could never seem to deny her anything..."For about an hour."

"Yes!" Buffy and Anya exclaimed triumphantly before Anya held her hand up.

Buffy stared, confused for a second.

"Slap my hand now." Anya told her.

Buffy laughed before she obliged. "Now, we have to go to your house, so we can pick you out something cute to go wear to the Bronze..."

Anya sipped her Orange Julius in the corner as she watched Buffy and Angel dance. The song, Cibo Matto's "Sugar water", seemed perfect as the couple moved together, not missing a beat.

She was jealous for a second.

She only got a second, however, before she noticed a vampire slipping out of the Bronze, clutching a victim to him with his hand over her mouth.

Anya rolled her eyes. Stupid vampires. You'd think they'd know to hide their game faces...

Anya got out of her chair and stealthily slipped out of the Bronze (if jumping over three tables and breaking things could be called "stealthy") before she found the vamp in the alley and whipped out her stake.

She narrowed her eyes at the vamp.

"Slayer." He muttered darkly, pinning his still-struggling victim to the wall.

Anya opened her mouth to make a sarcastic quip, but all that came out was stammering.

The vamp laughed. "That's it?"

Anya gave up (apparently, quips just weren't for her), shrugged and dusted the thing before he could laugh any more.

"That'll teach you to make fun of me!" She scolded, waggling her stake at the pile of dust on the ground.

"Nice job." A voice said from the shadows.

Anya looked up to see a handsome dark-haired guy in...a Hawaiian shirt and baggy jeans? Someone had to be kidding.

"Who are you?" Anya asked, looking at him as one might look at a little boy running around in Spiderman underoos.

"Let's just say...I'm a friend." He said, smiling at her in what she supposed he thought was intensely. Still, he was good-looking...

"You're a weird friend wih no name." She told him matter-of-factly. "And I don't need one of those."

"I didn't say I was--" he started to say before he tripped over untied shoelaces and fell flat on his back. "Oh, great, Xander; very slick. Real suave and debonair. So much for the brooding man of mystery."

Anya reached down and helped him up. "Are you hurt?"

"Nah; I'm good. So, you're the Slayer?"

"Does everybody know?"

"Not yet."

"Okay."

Xander sighed. "Okay, since I just proved I don't do 'man of mystery' as well as Angel, here's the basic gist of it: there's a big thing coming up, Master's gonna try to rise, you have to stop him. Get it?"

"Yes."

"Great. Okay, this is for you," he took a beautiful silver cross out of his pocket and hung it around her neck, "and now I have to go, before I ruin that great cryptic thing I had going." He winked at her before he backed away into the shadows and managed to lurk away with some small shred of his dignity intact.

Anya laughed, watching him disappear. "I like him. He's funny and nicely-shaped." She smiled to herself before going back into the Bronze. She had good feelings about this funny Xander guy.


End file.
